Dear Lani: Dungeon Etiquette

Welcome to this week’s Dear Lani, an advice column to answer all your kinky questions. Want to know how a guy gets fitted for a chastity cage? Want to know what gag reflex training looks like? We’ve got your answers, or at least advice…okay, opinion.

Q: So I think I’ve found a local dungeon to visit. What do I need to know? What’s the protocol here?

A: First of all, each place is different and it’s important to find out what are the specific rules of the particular dungeon or play party you are visit. Some are more public (such as a fetish club like in The Playgrounds) and in those cases, they often list their rules on their website or in their local community ads or posts in places like FetLife. Then there are private play parties and the best approach is to ask the host or if you are there and are uncertain about something, ask the workers, bouncers or dungeon monitors.

Next is consent and that is a basic rule that should be obeyed at all times at all parties. There is absolutely no touching unless permission is granted and/or invited. No ifs, buts or any other excuses! Further to that, consent one time does not mean consent at all times. Always check-in. When in a scene, employ the use of safewords. This goes for both the dominant and the sub, not just the sub! There should always be no fear of repercussions for the usage of safeword.

In addition to consent, it is important to read who you are interested in. That is if they keep looking like they want to escape or are super bored, then move on. Always make sure your partner is having fun as much as you are as well. 

Different play parties may have different formats and it’s important to understand what would happen. For instance, one of Domme Shadow’s friend holds key parties with six Doms and six subs. The Doms get to pick a key that is labelled as either male or female then go explore while the subs are all locked behind each door. This, however, means that the subs have to be willing to play with either male or female. So being clear on what is going to happen beforehand and ensuring that it is within your own limits is your responsibility.

Now depending again on the dungeon, another question is how much penetration is allowed. Due to legal requirements, someplace may not permit any at all while private play parties may allow varied ones. This is again, something to find out beforehand or even ask at the party.

We cannot stress that etiquette varies from place to place. But always keep consent in mind, make sure your partner is “comfortable” with the interaction (okay a flogging may not be comfortable, but you know what we mean) and that again, communication is key.

Got a question?

Join the The Muse’s Touch Facebook group to submit your questions and join in on the discussion. Every Tuesday, we’ll be picking one question to answer for the following Monday.

Disclaimer: We are expressing personal opinions and views. These opinions or views are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health professional.

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