Dear Lani: A Bad Dominant?

Welcome to this week’s Dear Lani, an advice column to answer all your kinky questions. Want to know how a guy gets fitted for a chastity cage? Want to know what gag reflex training looks like? We’ve got your answers, or at least advice…okay, opinion.

Q: What constitutes a bad dominant? How can a sub identify one?

A: A good or bad Dom is hard to spot in the first place and it takes more than one conversation to determine. And that is why it is important to not rush into a power dynamics relationship. After such is based on trust and building such trust does not happen overnight.

However, with that in mind, here are some immediate and longer-term considerations and tactics a sub may find useful.

First, communicate, communicate, communicate. We are never tired of saying this. When a sub finds someone, it is so important for them to talk to the Dominant about their kinks, limits, safeword, what they want in aftercare, how much experience they have, etc   A good Dom will listen, offer their own information and will back off if it is something you have a hard line against.  A good Dom will also take the time to learn, to assess their compatibility with the sub just as the sub should be doing with them.  Anyone who spends more time talking about their own links than learning their partner’s is a red flag. Anyone that tries to talk the sub out of their hard limits right at the get-go is also a massive red flag.

A quick example of this? Unsolicited…sexual organ…pic. Or even worse, they asked first, the sub said no, and they sent it anyways. 

Next, if the sub has met someone, it would likely be within the context of a kink community. If that’s the case, consider and talk to other people to find out their reputation. However, keep in mind that every relationship is an individual case. Just like in a regular relationship, one not working out does not necessarily mean that the parties involved were bad. Keep this in mind. Consider too even asking for reference if another in the community will vouch for him.

Okay, so say the sub has now began exploring with him or her. Let’s go through some basic signs.

If a Dom/me ignores the safeword. Bad.

If a Dom/me cannot recognize how something like a scene has affected the sub negatively. Bad.

If a Dom/me ignores obvious signs of any kind. Bad.

Now one less obvious sign comes with pushing limits. A good Dom/me, especially one whom the sub has been with for a long time may work with them to expand their limits for different reasons, such as encouraging sexual growth and discovery. But, there should always be times afters to analyze and reflect, to really dig into whether the experience was a positive one. And if it isn’t one, it is the sub’s job to communicate so. But if after that, the Dom/me still repeats the experience anyways, that is a red flag as well.

Remember to trust instincts. Those feelings are there for a reason and one should not ignore them. If a Dom tries to explain their feelings away, raise the red flags. Remember, gaslighting is a real thing.

A special message from Domme Shadow:

Please Please Please my lovely sub Dollies, Do Not Cave to them if you are at risk! You’re trusting us with a lot, but if you are to the point of being a nervous wreck and wanting to be sick? No! This is not good.

Remember, your nerves should be like butterflies of excitement and concern should be centred around what’s to come rather than the person. That is the safe kind of nervousness with a Dom, likely due to something new. 

In conclusion, listen to your gut, take it slow and make sure to communicate!

Got a question?

Join the The Muse’s Touch Facebook group to submit your questions and join in on the discussion. Every Tuesday, we’ll be picking one question to answer for the following Monday.

Disclaimer: We are expressing personal opinions and views. These opinions or views are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health professional.

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