Welcome to this week’s Dear Lani, an advice column to answer all your kinky questions. Want to know how a guy gets fitted for a chastity cage? Want to know what gag reflex training looks like? We’ve got your answers, or at least advice…okay, opinion.
Q: How did you know whether you were Dom or submissive? Were there certain behaviors or signals that you experienced?
A: We talked a bit before about some signs that may indicate you are a Dom in Dom/me? but you’re right in that we never talked about signs of being a submissive. So, allow me (Pixie) to step in this time.
First and foremost, let’s dispel the myth that submissives are weak and are pushovers. That is certainly not the case. Being a submissive takes an immense amount of courage to trust someone else enough to give them power over you. Being a submissive also does not mean bending to anyone and everyone. A submissive may be a manager or CEO, a politician, or be in other positions of authority.
So if a submissive can be a leader, then how does one figure out if they are one? The best comparison I can make is with how extrovert / introvert works. Just like how an introvert can be outgoing but it is not where they get the energy from, a submissive can take charge but to do it all time would exhaust them. So if you find that making decisions are tiring, that may be a sign that you are a submissive.
Of course, even a dominant can get tired making decisions all the time but most of the time, doing so thrills them in some way like Domme Shadow mentioned. This is rarely the case with submissives. A sub that has to make decisions too often may even come to resent having to do so, especially outside of work life. Instead, they prefer, when the situation allows, to have someone else make the decisions.
Like a Dom, a sub enjoys the idea of putting their partner first and taking care of them. What differs is in the how. While a Dom takes care of their partner by making decisions, planning and taking lead, a sub will prefer to do things for their partners and make their lives easier on general. In many ways, this is what it means to serve as a submissive.
For instance, a sub may likely prefer that their partner do the planning for a trip they are taking. But they may also plan one as a surprise for their Dom/me to surprise and cheer them up if they have been feeling down. It is not the act of planning that gives them joy (unlike for the Dominant’s) but rather, it is how happy their partner would be that gives them the sense of fulfillment. You can extrapolate this to other areas of life, from food to choosing what to wear, to bedroom proclivities.
To recap, a submissive gets their energy from following someone else’s lead. They find it peaceful and relaxing. If you find yourself exhausted to take lead and often ask your partner to make the decisions whenever the situation allows, then you may just be a sub. But also keep in mind that it’s not a black or white designation. How much control the sub chooses to give up, whether it’s just in the bedroom or beyond is up to the sub.
Got a question?
Disclaimer: We are expressing personal opinions and views. These opinions or views are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health professional.