Welcome to this week’s Dear Lani, an advice column to answer all your kinky questions. Want to know how a guy gets fitted for a chastity cage? Want to know what gag reflex training looks like? We’ve got your answers, or at least advice…okay, opinion.
Q: A lot of stories talk about Doms getting trained formally by other Doms. What does formal training mean and what does it look like?
A: Many Doms will seek training on either a specific area or in general at some point. For example, I have been trained in general topics such as understanding how a sub works, to more technical things such as using a whip, a flogger or other kinds of kink “weapons”.
I have had three teachers. The first was to learn the general aspects of dominance and I met him through a mutual college contact. During my lessons with him, twice a week, i grew to understand a submissive’s need for structure and stability and the dominant’s duty to provide. It meant that I had to submit to my teacher to a degree, doing chores as he set out. It’s something I continued to do until I felt I didn’t need it anymore.
Meanwhile, we also had lessons in the usage of several implements. Ropes and whips and floggers of course. For the whips, it was about learning how it bends and flexes, how hard the strokes and how to aim. Other tools included a variety from batons to knives. When I could hit right and control each tool, I would pass for the month but he would randomly retest at times. It took two years of training before I was allowed to work with a live sub of his and I was not allowed one myself until I had graduated.
I think sometimes psychologically, for my teacher, it was a lot like raising a kid who thinks they know it all and the teacher having to smack them back down to learn.
After that, I went on to having to other teachers, one woman, one man, who taught me more specific skills that I was interested in. My second teacher taught me more about ways to tease, about outfits and also about achieving balance in life. My third teacher focused more on. The psychological aspects, about what makes a sub tick. It helps me to keep control over a sub without having to beat them black and blue. But each teacher could only teach a dominant as much as they want to learn.
So yes, while many Doms are self-taught, there are also those of us that have been formally trained. It may or may not have been as intense as in some of those stories you’ve read but nonetheless there is definitely truth in them.
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Disclaimer: We are expressing personal opinions and views. These opinions or views are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health professional.