Welcome to this week’s Dear Lani, an advice column to answer all your kinky questions. Want to know how a guy gets fitted for a chastity cage? Want to know what gag reflex training looks like? We’ve got your answers, or at least advice…okay, opinion.
Q: Where and how do you find a good Dom/me?
A: Let’s tease this question apart. First, let’s discuss where to find people of like-persuasion, then how to figure out if someone is a good dominant.
Much of how Luna’s journey started in The Words to Bind is grounded in reality. Munches and local fetish clubs are the more obvious places to meet people in the lifestyle. For those not quite ready to throw their whole body into the pool yet, FetLife, the Facebook for kinkster, is also a good place to start. There, you can join groups of interests and explore even under a certain degree of anonymity. Most event organizers will also advertise their events there as well, even more so than any other public forums. If you live in an area that is more conservative, FetLife is probably where you can get all the underground local news.
Besides that, if you want to dial it back even further, BDSM interest groups are everywhere, from Reddit to Discord. Like any sort of dating, the idea is to put yourself out there and be open to opportunities.
A bit of caution, however, lately there seems to be an increase of guys that exhibit dominant behaviour on Tinder. Our brief experience through a friend (who we will not name for privacy purposes) is that very few of them are true dominants but rather, have used it as an excuse for their aggressive and demanding behaviour. Proceed with caution!
Which leads to the second part of the question – once you meet someone who is a dominant, how do you tell if they are good.
Good has a different definition for everyone but let’s get some basics down. First things first, a Dom/me should make you feel safe and you should never feel nervous or scared, at least not in the jittery-first-date sense. This is the person that you would eventually trust with your physical and emotional safety so you better be off to a good start on that front. Furthermore, they should, in the beginning, take the time to learn your boundaries, where your hard lines are and respect them. If you said no to receiving a dick pic and they keep pushing to send you one, walk away! (True story!) If they talk more than they listen, walk away! If they make demands upfront beyond the respect they are due as a person, walk away! As a sub, it’s easy to submit right away, kind of like a job applicant at an interview. Don’t! You are assessing if they are right for you as much as they are assessing you. Don’t forget you have rights to your boundaries, your consent and you are your first priority. Never let a Dom/me that you have just met tell you otherwise.
Beyond that, much like assessing sexual compatibility in another relationship, it’s about communication and being clear what you want. The better you know yourself, the better chance you have at finding the right dominant for you.
Got a question?
Disclaimer: We are expressing personal opinions and views. These opinions or views are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health professional.