Dear Lani: Dom/me?

Welcome to this week’s Dear Lani, an advice column to answer all your kinky questions. Want to know how a guy gets fitted for a chastity cage? Want to know what gag reflex training looks like? We’ve got your answers, or at least advice…okay, opinion.

Q: How would you know if you're a Dom/me?

A: It’s a little different for everyone. But there are some basic foundational traits or preferences that all dominants have and if some of these statements resonate, then you may be a Dom/me:

  • You’re someone who likes to have full control as it comforts you.
  • You enjoy planning fun times, on pushing exploration and experimentation with your partner, keeping in mind all the emotional needs
  • You’re someone that enjoys taking care of someone and taking lead in what to do as a couple
  • The idea of pinning a sexual partner down or coaching them on what you want them to do is a turn on.
  • You feel a sense of satisfaction when your orders are followed flawlessly.

There’s usually one or two defining moments for a dominant that makes them realize what they are, even if they are not aware of the lifestyle yet. For me, it was in high school where I had the opportunity to direct a bunch of guys on how to set up for a school event. I still remember the moment when a thrill went down my spine as I watched them follow my directions, lifting and moving stuff.

In the end, it’s all about what gives you a warm sensation through your body and causes you to lick your lips because you want it. Remember, dominance and submission are scales, not absolutes and there will be days where a dominant may want to set aside control. For instance, a Dominant may be dealing with some heavy issues at work and may not have the emotional space and resources to plan every detail. A sub may step up to take care of their Dominant in that case. That doesn’t make anyone more or less in their roles. So when trying to determine whether you gravitate more towards the dominant or submissive ends, consider what would turn you on when you are at your best.


Got a question?

Join the The Muse’s Touch Facebook group to submit your questions and join in on the discussion. Every Tuesday, we’ll be picking one question to answer for the following Monday.

Disclaimer: We are expressing personal opinions and views. These opinions or views are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health professional.

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