Dear Lani: Dominance Styles

Welcome to this week’s Dear Lani, an advice column to answer all your kinky questions. Want to know how a guy gets fitted for a chastity cage? Want to know what gag reflex training looks like? We’ve got your answers, or at least advice…okay, opinion.

Q: What kind of dominance styles are there and what’s your personal style?

A: Everyone has their own unique style and different take on dominance. This can range in from the kinds of kinks and fetishes preferred to what areas the power dynamics covers and how strict one wants to be in those areas. For example, the most common perhaps is keeping dynamics only within the bedroom with varying degrees of pain introduced. However, there are also D/s relationships where sex is not involved at all and where power dynamics are used only to provide structure. 

Personally, my style is centred around the senses and building up the anticipation. I enjoy teasing someone. The build-up is always much more fun. To get to that “I need you” stage is an amazing fun time to have with a significant other. It can take the form of sexy calls, texts and hints all week. Or it can be in a single session where I enjoy having them sit still while I slowly explore their body for turn-ons. I may whisper how sexy they are, how pleased I am with their work and submission, or tell him about naughty ideas I may want to explore with them.

On the flip side, the planning required and the waiting can be hard. I have to take into account what I have planned versus the time allotted to the session. Also, there are appropriate and inappropriate times for the teasing and what type. For instance, if they have been working really hard on a project for work, I keep the fun light and pleasurable. When life is a little less hectic, I’ll keep texting sexy things. Other teasing things I may do include wearing fun clothing that hints at naughty fun.

Outside of the bedroom, my dominance is more around how we co-exist such as what our routines look like. For many subs, chores and structures are what they desire, a framework that helps them feel safe and secure. The more they understand their and my places in the bigger picture and the more they are aware of expectations, the more secure they feel. I am a constant source of calm and quiet confidence that naturally draws in a sub. 

That said, I also enjoy giving my partner challenges to make sure things don’t get boring. Since my partner and I are very gamer minded people, we set up a reward system. One year, he passed all his testing to get his licence and his reward was a SNES game, Link to the Past, plus me in a costume. It was an expensive game that held many childhood memories for him. I enjoyed bringing childlike joy and adult joy together for him in that instance

All in all, there’s such a wide range and so many combinations of kinks and styles that no two dominants are alike. It’s also why to find a sub that matches your own style is much harder than most people think.


Got a question?

Join the The Muse’s Touch Facebook group to submit your questions and join in on the discussion. Every Tuesday, we’ll be picking one question to answer for the following Monday.

Disclaimer: We are expressing personal opinions and views. These opinions or views are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health professional.

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