Dear Lani: Goal Setting

Welcome to this week’s Dear Lani, an advice column to answer all your kinky questions. Want to know how a guy gets fitted for a chastity cage? Want to know what gag reflex training looks like? We’ve got your answers, or at least advice…okay, opinion.

Q: What kind of goals would a D/s couple set and what are some ways to work towards them?

A: In order to discuss this in some semblance of order, let’s split goals into two kinds – the everyday life and inside the bedroom.

Let’s talk first the fun stuff – the bedroom. Remember, goals here should be fun and even if they were to push limits as discussed, the main goal is that there should be smiles after (okay maybe tears for some but tears mixed with smiles!) For example, a Dominant can set goals for themselves to learn a particular skill or to learn more about their sub. One goal may be to get better at knot tying. Another goal for a Dominant may be to learn where their submissive is most sensitive. Sometimes a Dominant’s goals may also be a submissive’s punishment which could be fun in itself like in the instance of the Dominant learning more about the submissive’s body. Cuff marks, small metal bites, silk burns or rope marks may all be outcomes of such effort. At the same time, the Dominant get the opportunity to learn. As long as this is all discussed beforehand, many variations can lead to fun times. Another example is when practising tying the sub, bring along a tassel to run over the sub’s skin as a knot is achieved. That way, both the Dominant and the submissive is working toward the goal together.

And of course, some subs may purposely be a brat in order to get punished because it is what they want/need/crave. Push the Dominant enough to get a spanking is a fairly common tactic. Of course, some Dominants enjoy it and some don’t and it is up to the couple to learn this amongst many other things about each other.

Let’s pause and examine punishments vs “funishments”. The former is truly something the sub does not like doing and yet have to do because they have transgressed in some way, broke an important rule. The latter, however, maybe be due to a push against some boundaries for fun. For instance, a serious transgression may be in some lack of communication while a sub teasing a Dom too far will likely be on the receiving end of a funishment.

Some goals, bedroom or every day-wise, may be set individually or together through conversation. This depends on the comfort level of both. Some goals can be as simple as trying a new kink, or to play a new fun game, or to find new ways to tease. The possibilities are endless.

Moving on to everyday life, most Dominants will find submissives responding well to goals. Goals may be to develop better habits, to eat more healthily, to be better with money, etc. We may have spoken before about structure and in the case of goal setting, a Dominant offers structure by ensuring reward and punishment is in place to help the sub achieve the goal. Additional structures may be established depending on the couple and what works to discuss the goals and to incentivize the sub.

For instance, cards are great for a reward system. Have the sub write down the kinds of awards they would like. Match the rewards with whether they are big vs small goals and have them on different colour cards. Place the cards somewhere visible as a visual reminder of what the sub could achieve. It’s especially fun when it looks completely innocent to someone on the outside but to the couple, it’s naughty as hell. Another easy visual cue is to create tubes where quarters can be dropped so that it acts as a visual thermometer. 

As a side note, sex should be fun. At this point, Domme Shadow’s sub would like to share the anecdote of one time he was deep inside her then suddenly started singing the Swedish Chef music as well as saying Bork Bork Bork to each thrust because it made her laugh so hard. There’s no reason why all of this has to be serious all the time.

In the end, goals should be achievable and should be fun (bedroom) or to better life in some way (every day) And both should be setting each other up for success unless funishments are in order. Then feel free to fail and have fun doing that too.

Got a question?

Join the The Muse’s Touch Facebook group to submit your questions and join in on the discussion. Every Tuesday, we’ll be picking one question to answer for the following Monday.

Disclaimer: We are expressing personal opinions and views. These opinions or views are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health professional.

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