Welcome to this week’s Dear Lani, an advice column to answer all your kinky questions. Want to know how a guy gets fitted for a chastity cage? Want to know what gag reflex training looks like? We’ve got your answers, or at least advice…okay, opinion.

Q: How does a sub survive without a Dominant, especially in the beginning?

A: Some people discover their submissiveness while they are already in a relationship, hopefully, with a dominant partner but there are many that go through that discovery process on their own. Often this can be through reading books or online articles, movies or even choice of porn or erotica, to name a few ways. So if alone, it is often hard for a sub to figure out ways to fulfil that aspect of themselves while being alone. While none of the suggestions below is sexual in nature, they should help provide some stability that a sub needs. Hopefully, some of these may help.

But first, before we get into the suggestions, we want to emphasize that just because a submissive is alone does not mean they are worthless or undesired. This is so so so so important thus we cannot emphasize enough. It is so easy for a sub to start evaluating their self worth by how pleased their Dominant are and when they are alone, this can translate to a sense of worthlessness. So we are telling you now that you are not that. You are worthy. You are desired. It is a matter of finding the right Dominant.

Now that you understand that, let’s go over some techniques that will help you feeds into that side of you.

First, one of the most important things a Dominants gives to their sub is structure. Therefore, a self-imposed structure can help a sub feel more stable even without a Dom. This may manifest itself as a routine or timetable. It may be a reward system. Whatever structure you as the sub requires, it may be possible to set it up alone.

Secondly, there is a natural structure or authority on many of our institutions. There is a manager or a boss at work. There is an instructor in the classroom. While it is imperative to not get attached to any of these authority figures, a combination of them may give the sub some semblance of structure as well. But again, let us stress that these people are not acting as surrogate dominants. Don’t look tot hem as such!

Lastly, we cannot stress the importance of friends, especially those already in the lifestyle. While they may not be The Dominant, often their instincts to simply be dominant in the relationship can also help the sub. (Pixie cannot count the number of times Domme Shadow has told her to nap for her own good or there would be consequences. It works.) Don’t forget though that all relationships take two to make it works even as a friendship and if even as a friend, you are choosing to obey or listen to them, then there should also be a giving back. Sometimes this is an explicit dynamic but often, you will find even in friendships that this kind of dynamic develops. Do not devalue what you get out of it as a sub.

So if you as a sub are finding yourself without a Dom, don’t despair. There are ways for you to find and develop structure on your own. All it takes is a bit of self-awareness and ingenuity. Good luck!

Got a question?

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Disclaimer: We are expressing personal opinions and views. These opinions or views are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health professional.