Dear Lani: On Power Dynamics

Welcome to this week’s Dear Lani, an advice column to answer all your kinky questions. Want to know how a guy gets fitted for a chastity cage? Want to know what gag reflex training looks like? We’ve got your answers, or at least advice…okay, opinion.


A: Power dynamics are always shifting. I don’t view it as a scale really. I see it more like a water tube from those zen bamboo water fountains that tips when full of water. How far the tube tips will depend on how much control the sub offers. The water represents the energy the sub has and the more a tube tip, the more sub submits. I always check in with my partner daily to see how much they are willing to submit because emotions and stress can affect the mentality required in this type of relationship.

For example, when they are sick, they have no energy to give back, so it’s a pure give day for me. And there are just days too where a sub will want to be more in control of their lives. That’s part of the flow of control. People seem to think submitting is a 100% commitment and always on. That’s not always true.

My style of control is the flow for the day and its schedule. I keep us healthy and happy. And scheduled sex is NOT A BAD THING. People always think I’m nuts for scheduling it. But I love watching him get excited for when we have it scheduled because he knows if he’s been good, he gets a hell of a time.

I do like being in control. I like planning and watching them have fun. I guarantee that I will get off too so it’s no unsatisfied lady at home. 

Vanilla relationships still show a leader and a follower in the couple hence jokes about who wears the pants in the relationship. They are just more in tune with each other and are equally giving and taking, switching off fluidly. They don’t require further extremes. D/s is just way more open and kinky to the possibilities because the Dom gets to choose. And because of that choice, the trust has to be there and it’s huge because the sub is choosing to trust the dom with their wellbeing. When a sub starts to feel bad, you see the relationship flip more into the abuse category because they may say yes but their eyes and reactions may show a no.

In the end, dynamics are going to be different for every couple, vanilla or otherwise. The important thing is open communication and trust..

Got a question?

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Disclaimer: We are expressing personal opinions and views. These opinions or views are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health professional.

2 thoughts on “Dear Lani: On Power Dynamics

  1. Great response. I read somewhere, I wish I could remember where that in some D/s relationships the Dom may have control over the actions taken during play but allot of times the sub has more control over the direction of the relationship based on their comfort levels. Do you find that to be somewhat true?

    1. The sub does hold alot of the power. I find that with good communication and both sides understanding that, the relationship progresses together. How a sub shapes the relationship is actually based on what they are willing to submit to. That is why we change partners when we realize that the fit is not ideal. It’s not that the sub failed or the Dom failed. It’s just not an ideal match that each other can progress with

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